The LDS Guide to Dating and Marriage, Part 1: Introduction

[Series Introduction:  With the family being the fundamental unit of both our earthly and eternal societies, the topics of marriage and dating occupy an important place in our progression through life--namely, what do I look for in a spouse, and how do I build a successful marriage afterwards?

Marriage and dating are incomprehensibly broad topics, and writing anything cohesive about them is inherently difficult--not just because of the sheer scope, but because each relationship and marriage is completely unique. It's impossible to write a comprehensive article on 'How to Build a Good Marriage' because the 'How' depends entirely on the two people involved--how one couple does it may be entirely different than how their neighbors do it. About the best you can do is give suggestions as to 'general' things that might or might not help (depending on the couple).

Notwithstanding the difficulty, the topic is important (and interesting) enough to be worthy of discussion in whatever limited context I am capable of--hence the creation of this multi-part series about thoughts and issues related to marriage and dating. While many of the discussed principles have a universal application to any relationship, the emphasis will still be on LDS relationships--with notes on specific issues that LDS couples may face when creating and maintaining an eternal marriage.

Below is the first part of the series, with future installments coming in semi-regular intervals over the next few weeks...]

In the Winter Olympics, there's an event called the "Nordic Combined"--a combination of ski jumping and cross-country skiing. Competitors make one ski jump and then later have to cross-country a certain distance to reach the finish line. Here's the trick, though: the starting distance of the cross-country leg depends upon the ski jump distance--a better jump means you start closer to the finish line, a worse one means you start farther away.  Therefore, your performance in one directly affects your chance of winning in the other...

Let's use the Nordic Combined winter event as a starting point for our discussion of dating and marriage. Using it as an example, we'll consider the ski jump part as representing the relationship from the first date to the actual wedding day (when you "make the jump", if you will), and the cross country part representing what happens after you get married, with the finish line representing you and your spouse reaching a 'celestial marriage'--defined as an eternal family unit that has reached its full potential..

Now let's analyze the two stages more in detail...

The ski jump is the easy part of the competition--gravity does most of the work, and you end up just squatting down and bracing yourself for the journey ahead. You'll probably feel a mixture of fear and excitement as you move down the slope--slowly at first, but gradually faster and faster until the sheer momentum throws you off the edge into the air. This is by far the most exhilarating part of the ride...but you have to be careful--you still have to be in control during your flight or else you'll crash and burn badly.

Once you're in the air, you fly for so long that you might think the feeling is going to last forever--but eventually the laws of physics demand that you come down to earth again. This sudden landing is not a bad thing--in fact, it's a natural and unavoidable part of the process, and marks the beginning of the next phase of your journey.

This second stage of the journey is different--you can see the finish line now and know exactly which direction to travel, but this time there is more work to do. Gravity and outside forces won't help you much in this leg of your journey--most of the movement will be due to your own effort. Cross-country skiing can still be fun, of course, but it will take more energy and determination to keep putting one ski in front of the other as you slowly make your way toward your goal.

Likewise, dating and getting married is the easy part (although some singles might not agree...) Once a relationship has started getting serious, you can almost feel it start to gain momentum of its own accord--dragging the two of you along for the ride. The wedding, honeymoon, and 'newlywed' period is the exhilarating part of the trip where you're flying through the air at high speeds and it seems like nothing is going to slow you down.

But then, of course, sometime along the way you're going to come down to earth and the real work of staying married begins. No honeymoon lasts forever, and all couples will sooner or later have to deal with the realities of married and family life--moving together step by step across the snow towards the finish line. It can still be fun--especially when you're with someone you love--but it also requires more patience, determination, and hard work than you probably had to use when making the jump to get here in the first place...

There's a couple of obvious differences between the real Nordic Combined, and our "Marriage Combined" which deserve discussion. While competitors in the Winter Olympic event ski by themselves, marriages don't work well with only one person, and thus our event is composed entirely of two-person teams (imagine each couple with a ski tied together as in a three-legged race). Both partners will need to complete each leg of the journey together, or else not at all.

Also, there's no 'competition' aspect anymore--when creating a successful marriage you are not competing with other people (although you could say there is a finite time limit). The only thing that matters is whether you and your partner reach the finish line--whether other couples happened to get there first or faster doesn't make a difference in the end.

Now that we've introduced the "Marriage Combined" concept, we'll be using it as the primary example for discussion in future installments of the series.

Next:  The two attitude 'extremes' of looking for a spouse...