The LDS Guide to Dating and Marriage, Part 2: "A Recommend and a Pulse"

[Previous posts in this series: Part 1]

In this part and the next we'll examine two 'extremes' in the search for someone to marry, using the Nordic Combined example introduced in Part 1.

Extreme #1: "A Recommend and a Pulse"

There are some Church members who don't consider the first part of the journey (the choosing of an eternal companion) to be that important. From the time they are 18 (for girls) or 21 and off their mission (for guys) their attitude is (often encouraged by their families): "I need to find someone to marry as soon as possible"--who it is doesn't really matter that much.

This attitude says, basically:  if the guy/girl has a temple recommend and a pulse (and, you know, is around the right age and isn't terribly handicapped or disfigured) then he/she is a 'suitable' companion--no reason to worry about any other 'minor details' about them that don't really matter.  Essentially, this is saying: don't worry about the 'jump',  just get it over with as soon as possible and get started on the second part of the journey...

What's the problem here? While it's true that gravity and inertia do most of the work during a ski jump, it's not true that there's no skill or preparation involved. (If so, then anyone could do it...) Ski jumpers train themselves just as hard as other Olympians, perfecting their posture and accuracy for the purpose of flying higher and faster, and remaining in the air for the longest time possible in order to jump the greatest distance. Someone who walks off the street and tries a ski jump may understand the basics, but lacks the intricacies of how to succeed.

A person who jumps into marriage without much thought or preparation is like a skier who doesn't practice or focus on the ski jump portion of the combined event at all. Their attitude is to just to 'get it over with' as soon as possible and then focus on the truly 'important' part of the competition which comes afterwards.

While it's true that this attitude will give these couples a 'head start' on the competition (too bad no one reminded them that in the "Marriage Combined", we're not competing against each other...), it will almost always result in a sub-par jump--you've jumped sooner than everyone else, but for a much shorter distance.

And when the young couple lands after the honeymoon they discover that they got exactly what they wanted--a marriage to someone with a pulse and a recommend--but they are quite a long ways from the finish line, tied to someone whom they barely know, and have a lot of work ahead of them in order to reach their goal

In my freshman year at BYU, we had a girl in my student ward who met this specification almost exactly. Whether it was her own personal desire, the encouragement of her family, or a combination of both, this 18-year-old sister decided from the day she set foot on campus that her mission in life was to find a husband that semester. Although she was in our student ward, she didn't hang out with us freshman guys much (we weren't RMs, obviously...) but we did keep track of how her husband search was going (out of morbid curiosity, perhaps).

She was not an unattractive girl (far from it) and went after her goal with such single-minded devotion that all us were actually quite surprised when the semester ended and she wasn't engaged (this at BYU, even!).  Literally heartbroken, she went home for Christmas break...and I suppose it wasn't too shocking to hear that she was engaged when she got back--to a guy she had met the week before, during the break...

That was ten years ago, and I have no idea how their relationship progressed after their wedding. They could be blissfully married even today...or long since separated. It's not my point to say jumping into marriage as quickly and casually as she did will always lead to unsuccessful marriages, because that's not true. Only, just like making a bad ski-jump, the rush to get married without preparation or much consideration for the person you marry will make the rest of the journey more difficult once the two of you have landed and the rest of the marriage begins. Not only is the distance to travel greater, but you're less accustomed to working with your new partner (since your 'practice time' was very short) so your movement is likely to be inefficient and awkward.

Still, the path lies straight ahead, and the goal is still within reach--only with an increased level of difficulty. Sometimes, both the husband and wife get right to work and head toward their goal with maximum effort, getting to know each other and learning how to work together as they travel.

But other times...one or both partners realize
(a) being married isn't all fun and games (as it might have seemed beforehand)
(b) they still don't know much about their spouse and his/her personality, nor how to best work together,
(c) what's more, after living with him/her for a while, he/she doesn't seem as great and wonderful a person as he/she seemed in the short time before you got married--and doesn't seem to treat you the same way either,
--and--
(d) the celestial kingdom seems an awfully long way off in the distance.

Stating the obvious (but still contrary to the beliefs of some):  a pulse and a temple recommend doth not a suitable companion make.  Even assuming having a temple recommend represents a person as being (a) worthy and righteous in the sight of the Lord, (b) mature enough to be a husband (wife) and a father (mother), and (c) capable of supporting your physical and emotional needs throughout the marriage (in order, the answers are: sometimes, no, and no), there are many other factors--personality, interests, temperament, family issues, and his/her cultural environment growing up.  Remember, you're going to have to live with this person for a long time...if your spouse talks too much (or too little) for your taste, or has interests or personality quirks that you find either annoying, frustrating, or immature...you might be in for a long, difficult journey with him/her strapped to your leg every step of the way...

[In future posts, we'll explore what makes LDS couples more susceptible to extremely quick courtships and marriages, as well as what the standards for eternal companions should be.]

Next: The other extreme...