The LDS Guide to Dating and Marriage, Part 3: "The One" Theory

[Previous posts in the series: Part 1 | Part 2]

In the previous post, we discussed having too low of standards for marriage partners.  Now let's consider the other extreme in regards to finding a spouse.

There's a certain theory held by a select percentage of the Church population--let's call it "The One" theory. The basic premise is: each person here on Earth has one perfect soul-mate--one person with whom we are perfectly compatible and whom we are destined to meet and spend eternity with in blissful happiness. (Presumably, these were arranged for all of us in the pre-existence...)

There can be only One, of course, and should we not take advantage of the opportunity to be with "The One" when presented to us, then we'll either be cursed to live a barren, lonely existence without a mate, or a ugly, miserable existence married to someone whom obviously is a less than perfect match.

What's the problem with this philosophy? Well...here's two:

One, no matter how good a ski jumper you are--no matter how hard or long you and your companion train to achieve the most perfect jump humanly possible--it's impossible to jump so far that it eliminates the need for any cross-country skiing when you land. There will always be that last component for any marriage to reach its ultimate destination, and any couple who thinks they can remain 'honeymooners' forever--gliding over the landscape effortlessly until they reach their destination--are simply deceiving themselves.

The truth of the matter is: any marriage can fail if the partners don't work at it--no matter how well matched the two people were when they started. They may have a 'head start'--i.e. have distinct advantages in attitude and compatibility compared with other couples--but there is never a guarantee. Any couple who is unable or unwilling to put in the effort to trudge along with their partner towards the finish line will stall and fail, no matter how beneficial their original starting spot was.

A potential problem with a husband and/or wife who believes strongly in "The One" Theory is it may lull them into a sense of overconfidence--an attitude of 'I don't need to worry about our relationship after we're married...we're soul-mates!"

Later, perhaps, when problems arise that are too obvious to be ignored, a believer in "The One" may have their faith irrepairably shaken:  "I can't believe he/she has this problem--how can he be "The One" if he/she is so obviously not perfect.  Oh, no!  I may have made a huge mistake...!"  This may lead to a severe overreaction--losing faith in the marriage completely--instead of the more rational realization that your soul-mate just isn't a perfect person after all, and that's normal.

There's a second danger to "The One" theory--in that it can cause people to become too picky for their own good. Compare it to a skier who stands at the starting gate waiting for just the right moment to start their jump...and waiting...and waiting...until the time for jumping has passed and the skier's race is finished without ever leaving the starting line. This can happen when one person has opportunities for marriage but thinks: "I like him/her, but he/she is clearly different than me (and/or flawed) in this or that area, so he/she is obviously not 'The One'.  I'd better pass and wait until my real soul mate shows up..." In many cases, one might be up there waiting a long time...

Here's Marriage Truth #2: There are no perfect matches, because there are no perfect people. Setting your expectations too high can be just as damaging as setting them too low.  Accepting--and then working through--some imperfections is a natural and necessary part of the process.  Without it, no one would ever reach the finish line...

My wife (The Baroness) is a wonderful mix of intelligence, compassion, and 'likeability'.  She meets every desire I could imagine in a wife (well...she could have been richer, I suppose...).  I have no regrets marrying her.  I do not subscribe to "The One" theory, however--therefore, I'm not willing to accept that had we not met and gotten married then both of us would be doomed to a lowly, miserable existence due to our missing our "Soul Mate". It's quite likely that one or both of us would have been able to find happiness married to other people, and that, while the personalities and attributes of the 'other' spouses would be different, we'd both have just as viable a chance to create a successful family unit out of it.

The 'soul mate' idea may be more romantic at heart to talk about, but pragmatically I do not believe God has planned from the beginning for us to marry one and only one 'right' person as part of the plan of salvation. On the contrary...(pure speculation, of course) but it seems to me one measure of God's enjoyment in His children is seeing what choices we make ourselves, including our choice of marriage partners. ("Wow...I never would have thought those two would get married! Let's see how they do...")

Next: The medium between the two extremes, and two working theories of marriages...