The LDS Guide to Dating & Marriage, Part 12: Living Together

[Previous posts in the series:  Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | Part 9 | Part 10 | Part 11]

The idea of living together before you get married follows the same principles as the sex-before-marriage issue, only on a wider scale. The philosophy is, of course, that living together helps you prepare for marriage by letting you 'try before you buy'--like test driving a car before you pull out the checkbook.

Once again, the theory here states living together first creates stronger marriages because (1) it helps couples get used to each other's foibles before the marriage license is obtained and (2) lets couples who discover they aren't suited for each other break up without the trouble of divorce. If that's true, then the divorce rate for couples that live together before getting married should be lower than those who don't, right? (Wrong...)

The reasons why couples who live together first are less likely to get married--and more likely to get divorced if they do--should be obvious if given some thought. The 'Why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free?' theory, of course--why get married at all if you're getting most of the 'benefits' of it without any of the commitment already? Even more than that, by getting the benefits early, you've removed any 'specialness' from the marriage and honeymoon--if you even get that far.  It's like opening your Christmas presents early and then sitting around bored when Christmas Day finally rolls around.   Living together inherently makes marriage less attractive, and more of a burden.

The psychological reasons behind why a couple would decide to live together in the first place are also indicative of a propensity to divorce after the fact. If a couple really believed that the relationship was going to last their entire lives, would they really consider living together first? The whole foundation of living together is the expression of doubt--the thought that "This might be a good relationship...but it's also quite likely that we're going to break up sometime, so why not make it less of a hassle when that day finally comes." In consideration of which, it's probably not surprising that many of the most ardent defenders of living together before marriage happened to have a bad relationship in the past and are a little 'gun-shy'. (Just peruse some of the online discussions of living together and see how many of them mention relationship 'horror stories' from their past)

The problem here is that the act of leaving the opening available actually makes the breaking up more likely to happen. The first time a couple gets into a serious disagreement--inevitable for any couple--one or both of them is going to think: "You know...this isn't going as smoothly as it used to be. We're not attached in any way, though--I could just leave tomorrow without much hassle. Maybe I should..." Having the commitment of marriage present in the relationship, on the other hand, creates a bond (bind?) between them which tacitly encourages them to try to work things out instead--since leaving isn't as easy. Leaving a convenient way out will give both partners the temptation to casually abandon the relationship if (or rather, when) the going gets tough. (Think of it as a conveniently placed ski lift beside the cross country ski area which allows you to abandon the path to relationship success and head back to the ski jump. Wouldn't the sheer ease and accessibility of it entice many who had momentarily grown weary of the journey forward to jump on it and 'try again'?)

From a moral standpoint, it's easy to say the 'problem' of living together boils down to just the chastity issue. A couple who lives together (and sleeps together) is essentially just as 'wicked' as a sexually active couple who still lives separately. The issue of living together goes deeper than that, though. In both cases, the problem isn't just noncompliance with the law of chastity, but rather a weakening of the bond between the two partners if/when they do get married--in the first case it's one of misplaced priorities and self-gratification, in the second it's a lack of faith in the durability of the relationship from the beginning. Even if a couple contemplating living together swore to their bishop that "We'll be sleeping in separate beds...really!", I doubt they'd get a green light from anyone.  It goes beyond just the chastity issue... Strong relationships are built from couples who have faith in their future and in their common goals--not to mention the desire and work ethic to make them happen.  Someone who's just standing there waiting for the first sign of trouble with one foot already out the door is essentially creating a self-fulfilling prophecy of failure for themselves...

Next: Divorce