The LDS Guide to Dating and Marriage, Part 6: The Value of Time

[Previous posts in the series:  Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5]

So there you are:  you’ve just met someone you like and you think they might make a suitable future spouse. Your common sense tells you, though, that you’d better spend some time getting to know him/her better before making a big commitment.
 
Okay, then…how exactly do you do that? Is there a list of specific questions you need to ask? A set order of things you need to do together? Is it going to require you to hire a private detective sooner or later?

There’s a ‘secret’ to getting to know another person…and in fact it's not really much of a secret at all: time.

Spending actual time together is really the only way to get to know someone, and no matter how hard couples try to fit the ‘getting to know one other’ phase of their relationship into a small period of days (or hours) there is no substitute for actual time. Why is that? Well, let’s make note of some important facts:

(1) People are very complex organisms.

Considering all the possible combinations of experiences, interests, and personality attributes, there’s just too much information to absorb about another person in a complete lifetime—let alone a few weeks of dating…

(2) There are important personality traits and characteristics about a person that you can’t learn just by talking.

Some things just won’t come out in casual conversation. Even the most forthwith and outgoing person can hardly share everything there is to know (and what's important to you) about themselves in a period of days—and when they do share things…guess what?

(3) People will naturally tend to share only the positive things about themselves

Most people for obvious reasons are going to want to put their best foot forward, and only let the less admirable characteristics of their personality show after the relationship has progressed past a certain level of comfort and familiarity. Whether consciously or not, any person is going to try to project a flawless persona towards others, especially when trying to get someone to like them. That’s why ascertaining someone’s true character—the good and the bad--can only be done after a certain period of time--and after you’ve had a variety of experiences together.

Example: ‘Julie’ is dating 'Jason' and wants to know if he "honors his priesthood". What could she do?

(a) She could ask him directly:  “Do you honor your priesthood?”  What if Jason says ‘yes’?  Does he really, or is he just saying that because he knows that’s the ‘right’ answer and wants Julie to like him?  What if Jason’s definition of ‘honor’ is different than Julie’s?

What if Jason’s reply is: “Not as much as I should…”? Is this an indication that Jason has ‘problems’ of some kind and Julie would be better off looking for someone else?   What if Jason is just a humble guy and cognizant of how his best efforts still fall short of perfection? In short, Julie’s question is pretty meaningless regardless of how Jason responds…

(b) She could ask other people: “Does Jason honor his priesthood?” Similar problem—do those people have the requisite knowledge of Jason to answer correctly? What if their definitions of ‘honor’ are different than Julie’s?

(c) She could find out herself: Julie will have to spend time with Jason, and witness herself how he honors his priesthood, according to her definition. It’s not likely that this will happen on the first date, nor perhaps on any one date in particular. But as Julie spends more time with Jason, talking and doing things together, his attitude toward church and other life responsibilities should become obvious. The problem is she won’t know when those ‘learning experiences’ will happen—and she certainly can’t plan for them to appear within a very short period of time.

This issue of time presents an inherent problem with relationships that are not built on spending time together—whether it is people who rush into things, or those couples that (out of necessity or desire) communicate primarily through phone calls, letters, or email.

Young women are often warned that a guy who is very nice to you during dinner--but not nice to the waitress--is not a 'nice guy'. It is a truism that people are almost always nice to people they like (and people they want to like them), but not always nice to people they don’t know, don't meet their standards in some way, or who annoy or inconvenience them somehow. But how, then, can you know how your potential companion treats other people, if you’re never around him/her with other people?

Phone/email conversations can be enlightening as far as revealing interests and personality, but the problem is: during such conversations the focus is entirely on you. A person talking with you can certainly choose his/her words carefully, because that is the only point of the activity. Less admirable character traits are unlikely to be revealed easily in a relationship that’s based almost entirely on phone conversations—because he/she will most likely be consciously controlling them. What is he or she like when they are not on the phone?

Corresponding primarily through letters or email is even worse, because those mediums allows the writing of rough drafts and constant editing before being sent, to portray just the right message. A person who is very eloquent and romantic when writing letters might be shown to be much less elegant when dealing with you in real life—but without that real life contact, how can you know? Relationships that lack the personal element are much more susceptible to ‘nasty surprises’ in companions, where character traits that, in fact, were inherent parts of their personality went unnoticed because of the primary medium of communication was so limiting…

There is no substitute for time.  How much time, though?  No one can say for sure--since each relationship is different...

Here's an experiment, though:  pick a handful of names from the present apostles or other GA's and look up their biographies.  See if you can find a mention of how long they knew their wives before getting married.  No, this isn't for the purpose of finding a 'magic formula'--X number of days/weeks/months of dating before you're prepared for marriage.  Rather, this is to note whether any of them have stories such as 'I met her last week and now we're engaged...' or 'We went for a walk around the temple last night and now we're engaged...'--stories you hear frequently among LDS youth nowadays.  Then, ask yourself whether that fact is significant in any way...

Next: What to look for in a future spouse...