The LDS Guide to Dating & Marriage, Part 10: A Personal Experience...

[Previous posts in the series:  Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | Part 9]

Before leaving the subject of 'temple walks' and brief courtships, let me share a personal experience and the impact it had on me. (tangent alert!)

In a previous section, I mentioned briefly a couple I knew who pulled the neat trick of getting engaged without ever dating. It’s probably no surprise that this was due to a ‘temple walk’.

Let’s call them: ‘David’ and ‘Alice’...

It was the second week of the fall semester at BYU some years back. Alice had just moved in the week before to the student apartment complex where David and I were living. I don't know whether the two of them had ever met in that period of time, before going with a group of people one evening on a temple walk. When they came back to the apartment complex, though, they were engaged—following some sort of 'spiritual experience' together. The wedding was quickly set for Thanksgiving weekend, a little over two months later.

Both David and Alice were friends of mine, and generally nice, solid people. I had known David since the previous semester—he was an RM who was reserved, yet sober, responsible and spiritually strong. I had met Alice also, before their engagement (I was the executive secretary so I knew everyone)—she was 18, a few months out of high school, but seemed mature for her age.

Both of them were solid, righteous Church members (as far as I could tell), and I probably wouldn’t have raised an eyebrow at their engagement (had it happened…you know, six months later or something...) but under the circumstances I had some serious questions--which, out of propriety I suppose, went unspoken: Why would the Holy Ghost play matchmaker with couples in this manner? Were they incapable of getting to know each other and decided for themselves through the course of the semester? (They were in the same complex, and the same ward, so they'd have plenty of opportunities to spend time together) Why would the Spirit take such an active role in getting these two people together, while seemingly remaining silent for most other couples, especially the older, single sisters whom (you would think) would be more in need of 'divine assistance' in finding a mate.

The questions increased a month later, when, as it happened, I was giving Alice a ride to work one day when David was absent. The focus of the conversation in the car was the upcoming wedding, of course, and Alice's comments in the car were universally along these lines: "I just can't believe I'm  getting married!", "My wedding day is almost here, I can't wait!", “I'm just so happy I'm getting married next month!"

I was struck by the odd tone of her comments. Notice that, without exception, the focus was entirely on one person--herself. At no time did Alice actually mention David in all of her comments about her upcoming wedding and marriage--it was all "I" this and "me" that...

Usually (you would think), an upcoming marriage is expressed in "we" terms, with emphasis on the person you're marrying: "I'm so glad we're getting married. I love David so much. He's such a great guy, and I'm so happy when we're together. I can't wait until we can finally be sealed together for eternity..."  (See what I mean?)

It occurred to me at that moment that I was sitting beside a girl who was more in love with the idea of being married, than she was with the guy she was marrying. Not surprisingly, I suppose, since she had only known him a few weeks and had agreed to marry him without ever dating him…or even talking to him much.

Now, of course, I have no idea if they are happily (or still) married today or not. That's not the point--as mentioned ad nauseum, every couple has a chance to achieve their full eternal potential regardless of the situation behind their getting married in the first place.

Still, there was something wrong here... I felt it then, and still think so now. Even if the two of them (as they seemed) were completely content in their decisions, this experience brought home to me quite powerfully then that this was most certainly not what I wanted in my own still-future marriage.

I love my wife. I am happy to be married, but most of all I'm happy to be married to her—because of who she is. And I'd like to think that she wanted to be married to me because of me, not because I was just some lump of tissue that was necessary to fill space on the other side of the altar.

It scared me to death to think of my potential eternal companion treating my presence as if it was just one more thing to check off of a list of Eternal Marriage Requirements. (Things you need to bring to the temple: (1) wedding dress (2) temple recommend (3) male Church member)   I wanted someone who marries me because she wants us to be together, not because the Spirit(?) told her we were 'supposed' to be together.  Someone who actually considers--and likes--the way I talk, think, and do things in my life, instead of--even worse than not liking it--not even caring about it.

I've often thought that if I ever asked a girl I had known only a few days to marry me...and she said yes, my response would be:

"'Yes'?  What are you...stupid?  You don't know me.  You don't know anything about me!  How do you know you're going to want to be with me for years and years on end?"

Okay...in real life I'd be a lot more tactful about it--but the point is: I wouldn't want to marry any girl who would want to marry me after just a few days, because I'd know she wasn't in love with me (there's barely enough time to decide if she liked me...)  She would be in love with something else--the more abstract ideal or goal of eternal marriage, perhaps--and I would just be someone who fulfilled a requirement--someone who filled the tuxedo and occupied the spot marked "Groom" on the floor...

Now (after I've just offended everyone out there who had brief courtships themselves...) let's me point out that this is obviously just my personal opinion.  I have no metric that says that my marriage is somehow better than David and Alice's--or anyone's--because of how we approached our courtship, nor can I tell any way in which the marriages of our many other friends who met only briefly before getting engaged are lacking in some way.  As mentioned, marriages succeed or fail based on what happens after the wedding, not before.   My point is only that I've encountered many relationships out there that seem to lack something intangible--a personal connection--that I felt was very important to me (and, fortunately, I found for myself with my wife)

End of tangent...

Next:  Chastity